I’ve been meaning to update this for ages but the holidays and work have kept me busy.

First, my dad’s aortic aneurysm has doubled in size, and is now in the danger zone.  He decided to get the surgery to fix it, even though it’s fairly risky.  He thought that “open” surgery was the same as “open heart”, which he would not have done.  He’s seen my brother’s chest cracked open one too many times to go through it himself.  The surgery will happen sometime in January and my sister is going to fly in to help my mom with the recovery portion.

Christmas was good from the family perspective, but dealing with the parents was diffiult from a personal perspective.  I expend a lot of energy trying not to snipe at my mother, because her slightly quirky and annoying habits have been amplified hugely in her old age.  She talks incessantly, says inappropriate things, and doesn’t seem to process things normally.  It’s embarassing and frustrating.

She also can really hurt me.  An excerpt from a private online forum I’m a member of:

i’d like to start by saying that i’d really like to chalk my mother’s insensitivity to old age and brain decay, but she’s always been this way about certain issues so i really can’t. my mom is incredibly vain, no matter how much she denies it, and how it must hurt her that a daughter with “so much potential” like me can be fat and unattractive. what’s worse is that she knows how bad my eating disorder was, and how far i’ve come – and just because there’s a lot more of me to love these days doesn’t mean i’m not healthy. frankly i’m healthier than ever – because i don’t spend my days starving or with my head in the toilet. i’m just not “pretty” anymore in her eyes. in my fucked up head, what that says is it’s better to be thin and ill than chunky and healthy. i know it’s not true, but it’s so sad.

i digress. my mom’s favorite thing to do is comment on what i eat or don’t eat. even though i’ve constantly told her to just NOT say anything relating to food or weight around me, she doesn’t seem to get it. the last time we had this discussion, she asked me if i was “supposed to look like THAT” after getting a tummy tuck. what she meant was, fat.

christmas morning we made cinnamon rolls. i shouldn’t have to quantify this, but they weren’t big and i hadn’t eaten anything until 11 am. i was hungry. i ate the first one, then get up to get a second. when i sat back down, she smiled her ridiculous “i’m going to say something really nasty while smiling so i can say it’s a joke” smile, and said (i’m cringing as i type this) “oink, oink, little piggy!”

i considered strangling her, or forcefully shoving her roll down her throat. i considered throwing my roll at her and stalking off, but that was a waste of a perfectly good cinnamon roll. so instead my mouth hung open and i did nothing. occasionally while eating i would oink like a pig.

it ruined my christmas. i hate to say that her four stupid words had that much power, but it really fucked with my head and my day. i’m already having difficulty with my mom, and it takes to much to explain it here – but suffice to say that the aging process is making all of her most annoying habits magnified by 100. i spend my time with her trying not to be mean while trying to retain my own sanity. when she throws a zinger like that, about something she knows is off limits – it just really sends me over the edge. it’s like she can’t control herself, and i just really feel that she should. how can she be like that? will i be like this with my own kids? my worst fear is ending up like her – a babbling, nonsensical idiot who makes mean comments to the people she loves the most in an effort to “motivate them to be better”.

I look at my mom and wonder if I will do similar damage to my children’s self-esteem in a misguided attempt to “make them the best they can be”. I sure hope I won’t.

My dad seems to be doing better – or at least my mom heard me when I told her flat out, “If you choose not to go to therapy, I do not want to continue to hear about all the things wrong with your marriage.” She hasn’t called and obviously doesn’t plan to, so I’m sticking to my guns about not being her go-to person. I just don’t want to hear it anymore.

Mostly I’m glad the holidays are over, and on a happy note, the girls loved being with their grandparents. They will have happy memories of this Christmas.